Saturday, January 16, 2010

I Really Don't Want to....

I don't want to think about it. But in the quiet moments, it's all I can do.

I don't want to talk about it. I can't say the words out loud.

I don't want to go there. Because once I do, it becomes real. I can't continue to deny it.

I can accept that my 96 year old grandmother doesn't have much time left. She's lived a long and healthy life.

I can accept that my parents will not be here forever.

But I cannot accept that all of them may be gone before the end of this year.

I don't know this for sure. I only know what I read online.

Because I'm a coward. I'm too afraid to ask.

My mother has been battling a slow cancer for years, but I think it's getting too big now.

And this week my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

How do you bring yourself to accept it? To ask the hard questions? To talk about it?

Because I really don't want to.


Erin said...

i am so sorry you are even having to think about this Kim. i have no idea how one deals with the loss of a parent (or worse, both parents). my parents are currently in good health but it still saddens me to think of them dying. i don't think i will ever be old enough to not need my mom.

in some ways knowing that they have limited time left on the earth could be a blessing. you have the opportunity to spend more time with them. tell them everything you have always wanted to say but didn't get around too. hug them. love them. make the most of the time you have.

Lisa and Laura said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling, Kim. I can't even imagine how you must feel, so just know we are thinking about you and sending strength your way. Life can be so sad.

Kim said...

Thanks so much, ladies! Your words of support are so very appreciated.