$25,000 Sunglasses

It's been an emotional week. Had my yearly gyn appointment. Brought up the fact that both of my parents died of cancer. Wonderful, caring, diligent doctor scheduled me for an ultrasound because of this. I didn't think much of it.

I peeked at the monitor as the tech marked certain areas. And appeared to be measuring them. I may have even joked about letting me know if she finds a heartbeat while she's wanding around in there. I didn't think much of it.

As I was putting on my clothes I studied the computer screen. I tried to figure out if there was anything on there. I noticed the little folder icons next to certain words. And the absence of folders next to others. There was a folder next to "fibroids." I didn't think much of it.

I went to my book club meeting immediately after. We talked about the art of the apology. I brought up a painful situation that happened with the LB back in Kindergarten. Talking about it. In front of a group of women I barely knew. Reduced me to tears. I didn't think much of it.

That night I got on the computer. I started googling fibroids. And that's when I found it. And remembered.

About 50% of women have fibroids. Fibroids are benign tumors in almost all women. But in a very few cases they are really leiomyosarcomas. A rare form of cancer. The cancer that just took my mom's life in January.

I haven't heard anything from my doctor yet. I have no idea if I do indeed have fibroids. Or if it's LMS. But in case I do I am prepared.

I bought myself a pair of sunglasses. Even though I already have a perfectly good pair. I've never had more than one pair of sunglasses at a time. It never even crossed my mind to have more than one pair. Until I got a glimpse into Camille Grammar and Rachel Zoe's closets.

I figured if the news is bad. I could use a few extra pair of sunnies to cheer me up. And to hide the tears.

$25,000 sunglasses? Not exactly. More like $25 sunglasses. But today. They are priceless.

Meet the brood...

I graduated from the University of Vermont. With a Bachelor of Science. From the school of agriculture. I was even inducted into Alpha Zeta. The agricultural honor society. Yet during my four years there. I never sowed a single seed. Nor handled an actual animal. Unless you count a hairy frat boy or two. After a night of quarters. Heck, I didn't even have a plant in my dorm room.

I wasn't a crunchy granola. I didn't wear Birkenstocks. Or live in Slade Hall. With the clove-smoking vegetarians. But I did attend of a few of their monthly pot lucks. Because my parents took off to Europe. And forgot to load money on my meal card.

I was basically a city girl. At a country school. But UVM was my school of choice. Because of the easy access to some great skiing.

Maybe it's karma. Maybe it's the residual fumes from Slade Hall. Maybe it's this damn fear of cancer. That prompted their adoption.

But we've had them about a month now. It's about time I introduced you all. So without further ado. Meet our newest family members.

Henrietta

Dixie

 and Lola

Also known as ...

Nugget, Patty and Fingers.

Yes. We have a sick sense of humor.

Comfort

Comfort food. That's what I'm craving. That's what I'm making. It's something to do. A place to shove the grief. Tastes to soothe the heart.

I'm back home. And I don't know what to do with myself. Moving forward seems wrong. Like I've forgotten her already. Sitting still is suffocating.

So I'm carrying on.

Doing laundry. Going shopping. Cooking.

Anything but sitting still.

When I returned home there was some kind of sticky, brown goo in the fridge. Barely through the front door, I became fixated on cleaning out the fridge. I tossed. I scrubbed. I organized. And when I was done, I discovered four open boxes of chicken broth and two open boxes of vegetable broth. What the f#$%?!?

I was all over BSD. Mr. Organization had dropped the ball. I still can't comprehend how this happened. This is something I would do. Not him. My world is definitely out of whack. I had to fix this. Too much has gone wrong in my life recently. I can't live with four open boxes of chicken broth and 2 open boxes of vegetable broth. They had to go.

But I couldn't throw them out.

As much as they were bothering me, I couldn't just toss them. I kept staring at them. Thinking about them. Dwelling on them. Until I finally pulled out the big red pot. And lost myself in the process of turning them into something else. Something warm.

Something healthy. 

Something comforting.

I found this recipe while running on my treadmill yesterday. It is Creamy Broccoli Soup with NO cream in it. There was also a recipe for Chicken Noodle Soup. That is simmering in my crockpot right now. I think these recipes were a sign. All four of the open boxes of chicken broth and two open boxes of vegetable broth have now been used. I feel calmer already.

Creamy Broccoli Soup

INGREDIENTS:
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 medium onion, diced
1 garlic clove, minced
Pinch red pepper flakes (optional)
6 cups chicken or vegetable broth (I used the 2 open boxes of vegetable broth.)
1 large head broccoli, florets chopped and stems peeled and chopped
1/4 cup rolled oats
Salt and pepper

METHOD:
Heat olive oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add onion, garlic, and red pepper. Cook until onions are translucent, about 8 minutes. Add broth, broccoli, and oats. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to a simmer and cook until broccoli is tender, about 8 to 10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. I sprinkled the top with some shredded cheese. Made it more comforting that way.

Use an immersion blender to puree the soup, or transfer in batches to a blender and puree.  

Thank you to everyone who left such thoughtful and loving comments on my last post. I cherished each and every one of them. Reading them felt like a great big hug when I really needed one. My mother passed away over the weekend. She fought a long and hard battle with a rare form of cancer. She lived with incredible pain for many years. She never complained. She never stopped taking care of everyone around her. She was so strong and so brave. And I am grateful that I had the chance to tell her. It hurts to have lost her, but I am grateful that she is no longer suffering.

 I actually took this photo of my parents with my dad's Leica when I was about 6 years old. Guess I already knew a little something about the Rules of Composition back then. ;)

Beauty

I took these pictures of my sister in December when I was up in Connecticut visiting my mom. They were for the last assignment of my photo class. Using my sister's camera, I found some beautiful light in her tiny upstairs room and took some photos of her. It was the last day of that visit. We had just woken up. She was such a trooper. She didn't even brush her hair. Or her teeth. She just sat and let me explore. The light. The space. Her face.

When I got home I showed them to BSD. His response was, "Those are not very flattering pictures of your sister." I wanted to argue, but I didn't think he'd understand. These portraits may not be flattering in a mainstream way. But I only see beauty.

I see the beauty in a woman who is not afraid to let a camera take her picture as she steps out of bed.

I see the beauty in a woman who has been going to work in the morning, 

who spends her lunch hour by our mother's side, 

who goes back to work, 

who goes home for dinner, 

and then goes back to the hospital to be with our mother in the evening. 

Every day.

Every lunch.

Every evening.

For weeks. And weeks.

I can only hope to be half as beautiful as she is.

I typed the majority of this post with one hand. Holding my mom's hand while she slept in the other. I am back in Connecticut with my mom and my sister. This past week has been a gift. As hard as it's been. As many tears as I've shed. I am grateful for these last few moments we will share. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just wanted to update you on why I've been gone.

While the Cat's Away, the Mice Will Play...

I spent this week visiting with my mom. It was good to see her, help her out a bit and spend some quality time together. She continues to be a medical mystery as she is surviving the unsurvivable.

These doctors don't know who they're dealing with when they tell my mom she's terminal. It's just not a word the women in my family understand. They've said the same about my 97 year old grandmother multiple times yet she just keeps on truckin'. My mom has obviously been taking good notes and is determined to follow in her footsteps. Go, Mom!

 (my mom's version of thumbing her nose at the doctors)

While I was gone, BSD was home alone with the girls. I warned both of the ballerina's teachers that things might not be quite normal this week. I jotted down a few instructions. A few directions. A few phone numbers. Then I left.

And the party began. 

Thursday turned out to be a snow day. A REAL snow day. With REAL snow. The kids all tried to sled on the dunes again, but I guess there wasn't quite enough snow. So instead they all wound up at our house. And this picture popped up on my cell phone. No better lunch on a snowy day than grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. By candlelight no less. Go, Daddy!

Friday there was a two hour delay. A pancake breakfast with Christmas movies was served while they waited out the morning. Life with Daddy sounds pretty darn fun. N'est-ce pas?

Well, let me back up to Wednesday. The half day of school. The ballerinas were treated to bento lunches at our favorite sushi restaurant. And that evening, I received this picture on my cell phone. Can you figure out what's happening here? It's kind of hard to tell when you're looking at this picture on a 2x2cm screen. 

Here's a better view. 

And an even better view...

Dear Santa, can you please bring me an iPhone for Christmas so I can keep better tabs on my peeps while I'm away? 

P.S. - I apologize to all of you for not being able to keep up in blogland. I miss hearing what's going on with everyone. Thank you all for your support and friendship. I hope to catch up with all of you soon.

November Family Photo: Thankful

 There is nothing I am more thankful for than moments like this.

 Snuggled deep under the covers with my peeps. Cozy and warm.

Breathing in the love.

 

That's where I want to be. 

November started off wonderfully. With plenty of family time. And moments like these.

And then my world turned upside down.

My mom was admitted to the hospital on Thursday. After just having gallstones removed a few days prior, it was discovered that the real problem causing her excruciating pain is a tumor blocking her intestines. The cancer she's been fighting for years has now created a major problem. And the doctors cannot remove it. There are no definite answers. There is no prescribed course of action. It is a day by day waiting game. 

Fortunately, each day has brought a tiny glimmer of hope. Today the fight was back in her voice. She quizzed me to make sure I knew how to make our special family stuffing recipe. And we laughed.

So, on this Thanksgiving eve, while I am thankful that I will share a moment like this tomorrow morning...

 I am most thankful for the laughter that I shared with my mom today.

Pennette with Swiss Chard Ragu

Tonight was the big night. It was the first night I actually harvested something more than an herb from the garden. I've been waiting to try this recipe from Mario Batali's new cookbook Molto Gusto that calls for one pound of Swiss chard.

I wasn't sure how much Swiss chard made up one pound, but the square of chard was exploding so I figured I must be close.

In case you're wondering also, it takes about 20 large Swiss chard leaves to make one pound. More like 25 if some leaves are just medium sized.  (The picture below is only about 1/2 lb.)

The recipe was super easy to make. Didn't require anything unusual except for maybe the pennette (baby penne), but you can use regular penne if you can't find it. (I could only find pennette at Trader Joe's.) And despite my initial worries as I was halfway through cooking it, it had great flavor.

Great flavor + cancer-busting Swiss chard = a winner in my book! 

The only thing I would do differently is reduce the amount of butter. It called for 4 TBL of butter. That's half a stick! It was definitely rich and creamy, but I think it would have been just as good with only half that amount.

Pennette with Swiss Chard Ragu

(adapted from a Mario Batali recipe)

Serves six

1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil

1 small white onion, halved, peeled, and sliced 1/4-inch thick

3 cloves garlic, smashed and peeled

1 pound Swiss chard, rinsed, drained, and trimmed and sliced 1/4-inch thick

Sea Salt

4 tablespoons butter, cut into four pieces (I am going to reduce this to 2 TBL next time.)

Coarsely ground black pepper

1 pound pennette (small penne) pasta or other small pasta

¾ cup freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano, plus extra for serving

Combine 1/4 cup oil, onion, garlic and chard in a large pot, and cook over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally, until the onion and chard begin to soften, about five minutes. 

 

Season well with sea salt. 

Add 1/4 cup water, cover, and reduce heat to low. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the chard is tender, about 20 minutes. Add the butter, stirring until melted, then season with pepper and remove from the heat. 

Bring 6 quarts of water to a boil in a large pot. Drop in the pasta, and cook until just al dente (done, but still firm). Drain, reserving about 1/2 cup of the cooking water. Add the pasta and 1/4 cup of the reserved cooking water to the chard, and stir and toss over medium heat until the pasta is well coated. If necessary, add a splash or two more of the reserved cooking water to loosen the sauce. Stir in the cheese.

Transfer to a serving bowl. Serve with additional grated cheese on the side.

 Buon Appetito!

Off to watch the American Idol finale now. Can't wait!

Square Foot Gardening: Is it the Answer to our Vegetable Garden Prayers?

We plant a vegetable garden every year. The first year we were off to a great start. We had a nice sunny location. The cucumber plants in the center of the garden grew so tall that we built a second level of trellising and watched those babies head for the stars. We thought we were going to climb those vines like Jack did. A week later a big wind storm blew through.  The cucumbers came crashing down committing suicide and killing everything underneath it.

The next year we had to relocate the garden. We built it up against the fence in the backyard. It seemed like a good spot. There was a sturdy fence for the vining plants to climb. The danger of another Cucumber Massacre was eliminated. So was the majority of the sun. The plants grew. They would flower. But the flowers would die off before any vegetables would emerge.

For two more years, we planted a garden in that spot. For two more years, we barely got past the flowering stage. When a tomato would finally make it we'd check it daily until it grew plump. "One more day!" we'd squeal.  We'd go to sleep dreaming of the Caprese salad we'd make with the juicy, red tomato and fresh basil picked from our very own garden. But we weren't the only ones watching that prize.

The next morning, as we walked the path from the deck to the garden, we'd find it. Our precious tomato lying on the ground a foot away. A carcass sucked dry. The squirrels (or birds) had beat us to it. Over and over we'd play out this same scene with tomatoes, zucchini, peppers and cucumbers.

This year we stared out at our overgrown, dilapidated garden box. Ready to hang up our gardening gloves. It seemed pointless. Unless we wanted to become rosemary farmers. Rosemary had become our only friend in the vegetable garden.

But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't quit. I love watching the garden grow. I love making my salad with my own homegrown cucumbers. There had to be a better way.

And there is! 

I read a comment on my friend, Fawn's blog, about Square Foot Gardening. I checked the book out of the library and decided to give it a try. We found a new sunny location, built a new box, hunted down the ingredients to make "Mel's Mix" special soil, and planted our first seeds and plants on April 11th. And the results have been amazing compared to past years.

The zucchini plant was only 2 tiny leaves when I added it to the garden one month ago. Here it is today. It's already a monster!

The green beans planted from seeds are already finding their way up the poles.

The super cancer-busting Swiss Chard also planted from seeds look practically ready to eat.

We've already picked three strawberries!

And everything else seems to be thriving with the exception of the lettuce. Not sure what I did wrong there.

Some of the squares appear empty because they were only just planted with seeds this week. I decided to add in some flowers for cutting. We'll see how they fare. 

We seem to have solved two out of our three problems. We haven't done anything to keep the squirrels and the birds away, but we've taken away the fence the squirrels used for easy access. If need be, I'll read up on Mel's section about enclosures.  This is going to be the year we break our losing streak.

I can't wait for the vines to grow up and shake hands with their new friend!

How about you? Is anybody else growing vegetables this year? Any tips you'd like to pass along would be greatly appreciated!

Thank You, Jackie

My sister, Claire, emailed me this picture today. 

It seems there was a 5K race in the Philadelphia area today.

For pancreatic cancer.

I had no idea. 

Neither did Claire.  

But her friend, Jackie, did. 

And she ran the race. 

Wearing this sign on her back. 

For my dad. 

This picture touches my heart.

And at the same time,

Kicks me in the gut.

Celebrating Earth Day with a Green Smoothie

Happy Earth Day! In honor of this special day, I decided to "Go Green" in an area that I am most definitely brown. My daily beverage. 

Sadly, this is my beverage of choice each day.

It's actually kind of pretty, isn't it? Those cherry-red letters bring a smile to my face. And the gallon of Diet Coke inside puts the pep in my step. Unfortunately, the aspartame will probably soak my cells with cancer while it's at it.

So for Earth Day today, I traded in my beloved Big Gulp for a Green Smoothie.

Isn't she gorgeous?!?!? I want to decorate my house with accents this color. What  a bright, springy shade of green! Not only is this smoothie pretty to look at it actually tastes good. And it's full of cancer-busting nutrients! It's health in a glass. What more could you ask for? Maybe a splash of vodka? You don't even need it.This glass of green goodness gave me such a high. After drinking it, I had the energy boost of five Red Bulls. My arms tingled. And my vision is razor sharp. Major buzz! Awesome.

I'm going to play around with different ingredients to see which combinations taste best. But this one is a definite winner. Anyone care to join me? 

Green Smoothie

1 1/2 cups orange-pineapple juice (It's what was in the fridge, but OJ would work too)

1 banana, cut into chunks (a frozen banana would probably be even better)

4 oz. yogurt (I used TJ's French vanilla b/c it's what we had, but plain or flavored is fine.)

2 BIG handfuls of fresh spinach

Pour juice into blender. Add banana chunks, yogurt and spinach. Blend on high until thoroughly mixed and smooth. Cheers!

Eff You, Cancer!

I grew up eating fairly well. My father made meals that could have been served in any four star restaurant. No crockpot dinners at our house. Cream of Mushroom soup was never an ingredient. Vegetables were always fresh, never canned. We ate bushels of fresh broccoli, asparagus, and green beans. Brussell sprouts were common. Corn on the cob, not so much. We never ordered pizza for dinner.

So how is it that I never ate this before? And I probably couldn't have told you what this was just a few weeks ago?

Is it a regional thing? Are 'greens' uncommon in the Northeast? We ate our share of spinach, but this was never on the menu. It's a shame. Because it's so pretty. And it actually tastes good too.

In case you're as clueless as I was, this is rainbow Swiss chard.  I cooked it for the first time a few weeks ago. 

Since both of my parents have been attacked by cancer, I figure odds are high that this damn disease is waiting around the corner for me too so I checked out Super Natural Cooking to add some new cancer-busting recipes to my repertoire.

I had read that "if vegetables got grades for traditional nutrients alone, Swiss chard would be one of the vegetable valedictorians." So the first recipe I tried was called GIANT CRUSTY AND CREAMY WHITE BEANS AND GREENS. 

Unfortunately, I could not find the giant Corona beans the recipe called for so instead I substituted white cannellini beans. While it tasted good, these beans didn't hold up well to the pan frying. Instead of the distinct beans you see pictured in the author's photo here...

Mine turned out with more of a hash brown consistency. Definitely not as pretty nor as texturally-appealing on the tongue. 

 

But it had great flavor, and it was chock full of disease-busting nutrients so I will continue to make this dish. I even bought a packet of Swiss chard seeds to plant in our garden this year. Take that freakin' cancer! I'm not going down without a fight!

Note: If anyone knows where to buy dried Corona beans, I'd love to get my hands on some. I'd rather not have to order them over the interwebs if I can help it.

Giant Crusty and Creamy White Beans with Greens
- serves 6 to 8 as a side dish -

Heidi says: "I get more requests for this recipe than any other. The crisp golden crust on the beans encases a rich and creamy center, creating an irresistibly delicious combination. The greens provide a nutritionally packed accent as well as beautiful color. Plan ahead, as you need to soak the beans overnight. You can even cook them a day or two in advance; drain and store them in the refrigerator until you’re ready to use them. I’ve tried this recipe with canned beans of different varieties, but I always ended up with a mushy pot of bean mash—tasty, but not what we’re after. The freshly cooked dried beans maintain their structure much better during sautéing. Giant corona beans, cellini beans, or white cannellini are the best choice here."
Ingredients
1/2 pound medium or large dried white beans, cooked (see page 204)
3 tablespoons clarified butter or olive oil
Fine-grain sea salt
1 onion, coarsely chopped
4 cloves garlic, chopped
6 or 7 big leaves chard, preferably rainbow chard, leaves cut into wide ribbons and 1 or 2 stems cut into 1/2-inch pieces
Freshly ground black pepper
Extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling
Freshly grated Parmesan cheese, for topping
Procedure
1. Drain the beans, then heat the butter over medium-high heat in the widest skillet you’ve got. Add beans to the hot pan in a single layer. If you don’t have a big-enough skillet, just do the sauté step in two batches or save the extra beans for another use. Stir to coat the beans with butter, then let them sit long enough to brown on one side, about 3 or 4 minutes, before turning to brown the other side, also about 3 or 4 minutes. The beans should be golden and a bit crunchy on the outside and soft and creamy on the inside.
2. Salt to taste, add the onion and garlic, and cook for 1 or 2 minutes, until the onion softens. Stir in the chard, and cook until just beginning to wilt. Remove from heat, and season to taste with a generous dose of salt and pepper. Drizzle with a bit of top-quality extra-virgin olive oil, and sprinkle with freshly grated Parmesan.
Note: For a twist on bruschetta, serve the beans over grilled slices of rustic bread rubbed with a clove of garlic and a fragrant extra-virgin olive oil. For a cold-weather option, omit the onions and garlic and instead stir in deeply caramelized onions when you add the chard.