Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Tug-Of-War

My mom is here for a visit. It's her first visit down here since we lost my dad in February. And it's strange. 

One minute it's great. The next it's terrible. There are times where I'm frustrated with her and then I feel guilty. Really guilty. 

I haven't been on the computer. I haven't blogged. I feel disconnected. I don't like it. 

I'm still that middle schooler. I don't want to let my mom in. I don't want her to know what I'm doing. I don't want her to judge me. I like my independence. I like my privacy. 

I want to share things with her. I want to make her happy. I just don't know how. We've been dancing this same dance for years. I don't think we can change. We don't have any other moves. The floor is worn. The grooves are too deep.

I've been feeling this tug-of-war for the past few weeks. The ballerinas, LB's teacher, BSD, and my mom are on one end of the rope, all needing attention. I'm on the other end pulling with all my might just to keep myself from drowning emotionally.

It will get better. In two days, LB's teacher will drop the rope. In another week, my mom's grip will loosen too. And then, I hope to get back to this blogging gig. Because if there's one thing I've learned, it makes me happy. And keeps me sane.

14 comments:

My Interior Life said...

I love this post (I think we hit publish at the same time!) and can totally relate. I just visited home and get so frustrated with my mother sometimes. It is like a dance - I love that analogy - and a tug of war. Someone always needs your attention. You should definitely get back to blogging soon. I agree - it makes me happy too and gives me something of my own.

Take care, Kim. And please post again soon!

Dani said...

True. I can relate to the tug-of-war. Right now it's summer, so my war is taking a break. But as soon as school starts it begins again.

Hang in there. We are all here for you.

{Amy} said...

kim-big hugs to you...thinking of you!

sloan said...

Wow, Kim, was that ever well put ... it's leaving me with chills ... LOVE the way you wrote this, every word speaks to me - you wrote the words that I couldn't articulate for myself ... I'm in the exact. same. boat.

Truly, thanks!

serialswooper.com said...

Ahhhh. Now, I get it. I reported to Husband that my favorite blog friend was MIA. And that I hoped you were off on a glamorous vacation and that BSD was as paranoid about announcing vacations on blogs as Husband himself is. (terrible sentence structure there but you know what I mean)

Sadly, you are not. Hang in there.

Ooooh, I know the parent tug of war well. I just mailed my Dad a fathers day card with pitbulls on the cover. If that's any indication...

Corey Schwartz said...

Oh, hang in there. That was beautifully written. I think you very well may be a write when you grow up!

Bridget said...

I'll be glad when it gets better, and I can totally understand. You put it perfectly.

A Mom Anonymous said...

VERY well said! I too can relate. My mother and I are not all that close either. Sure we see each other often and we talk but never deeply. We don't go out of our way to do "Mom & Daughter" things together. We did when I was little and then I grew up and I think my parents have a hard time accepting I'm a grown up who makes her own decisions (and mistakes!). So we do that same dance. ((((Hugs)))))

Deepali Kalia Interior Design Blog Filling Spaces said...

Yes i can relate to this post in few ways...too

Jess said...

hugs to you! hang in there....i can soooo relate! having a rough week here too....i have been talking to myself like a crazy person trying to talk myself into a good mood!!

1 Funky Woman said...

Ah, just be grateful you can still dance with her! Any moves are still something. My mom passed away in 2002 at 58 and I'd give anything to go through the things I do daily with her. Just think for a minute. You are telling us everything about yourself but not telling her anything. The only way to resolve is go straight to the person. She probably won't get this blogging thing nor does she really have to. Just explain how happy this makes you and there isn't anything you say Mom that will make it any different.

I've learned so much about myself and relationships since my mom passed that I don't leave much unsaid. If it is weighing on me I need to get that weight off so I can breathe.

Hang in there, I hope this means you will still come back to me after you read this, or I would miss you!

~ Hugs

Meg

P.S. nothing on the bottom because it won't show up. I think I might glue some sparkly jewels on tomorrow or a big skull and crossbones!

Cindy said...

I love this post.
Thank you
Enjoy the night

Miss Sew & So said...

& kim we will all still be here- waiting to see what you want to share next....soo many of us can relate to this post...i do believe only women feel this *tug-of-war* with parts of their lives...& at all diff times due to diff things...feb is not soo long ago and you are all on a learning curve with this *change* in the family still....hang in there...& watch your gorgeous kids....their smiles sometimes make it all, if only for a moment, easier...
melissa x

Bringing Pretty Back said...

WOW, this was written beautifully. Lucky for us you love to blog...
good luck with the next few weeks. Can not wait til you get back to blogging full time!
Have a pretty day,
Kristin