'Twas a Month Before Christmas...

'Twas a month before Christmas, as I was vacuuming the house,

Not a crumb was stirring, not even a louse.

Why am I cleaning? This just isn't fair.

Nobody's coming over. Why do I care?

You see, I have this fancy vacuum that cost more than my Mac,

"It's a Miele. It's worth it," said the salesman, after he had us smoke crack.

"It has the sucking power of one thousand whores."

"Buy it! You'll love it! You'll have sparkling floors."

But, today it is sucking, just not the right way,

The crumbs have decided that they rather stay.

I checked all the possibilities, the bag and the hose,

All clear, so instead I turn up my nose.

"I'm not going to vacuum. No way! Forget it!

This Miele is just an overpriced piece of sh--!"

I shove it in the laundry room, slamming the door,

so much for your promise of bright, shiny floors.

The morning goes by in a blur of web pages,

the animals continue to have dirty cages.

Just great! Freakin' wonderful! What could be keener?

For Christmas this year, I'll be getting a vacuum cleaner!

I grumble and complain to the laundry I'm folding,

"I'm going back to the store to give that salesman a scolding."

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but

A sassy My Little Pony flashing his rear! 

Will you forgive me, dear Miele? If I doubt you no more.

Will you forgive me, dear Miele? You really do suck like a whore.