Thursday, December 3, 2009

'Twas a Month Before Christmas...

'Twas a month before Christmas, as I was vacuuming the house,
Not a crumb was stirring, not even a louse.
Why am I cleaning? This just isn't fair.
Nobody's coming over. Why do I care?

You see, I have this fancy vacuum that cost more than my Mac,
"It's a Miele. It's worth it," said the salesman, after he had us smoke crack.
"It has the sucking power of one thousand whores."
"Buy it! You'll love it! You'll have sparkling floors."

But, today it is sucking, just not the right way,
The crumbs have decided that they rather stay.
I checked all the possibilities, the bag and the hose,
All clear, so instead I turn up my nose.

"I'm not going to vacuum. No way! Forget it!
This Miele is just an overpriced piece of sh--!"
I shove it in the laundry room, slamming the door,
so much for your promise of bright, shiny floors.

The morning goes by in a blur of web pages,
the animals continue to have dirty cages.
Just great! Freakin' wonderful! What could be keener?
For Christmas this year, I'll be getting a vacuum cleaner!

I grumble and complain to the laundry I'm folding,
"I'm going back to the store to give that salesman a scolding."
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but
A sassy My Little Pony flashing his rear! 

Will you forgive me, dear Miele? If I doubt you no more.
Will you forgive me, dear Miele? You really do suck like a whore.


Anonymous said...

This is awesome. I love it. Are you sure you want to be a children's author?

Erin said...

hahaha! you are killing me! i have a miele too and love it!

Kim said...

Fawn- I know. I have too much of a potty mouth to write for kids, huh? I can rhyme, though. That's got to count for something, right?

Erin- Ah, so when you bought your fancy Brother sewing machine, the Miele guy was on the other side of the store with his crack pipe too? ;) I just went in to buy new vacuum bags, and I was petting the fancy sewing machines as I walked by.

A Mom Anonymous said...

Oh Kim, I am rolling!!!!!!! THAT is simply awesome!

Corey Schwartz said...

Ha, ha! Hilarious, Kim! So glad I didn't miss this one :)

Shelli said...

hilarious - did you write this?

Lisa and Laura said...

Oh my god! This is the funniest thing I've read all day. Thanks for this Kim. You are freaking hilarious.

Kim said...

Corey- Thanks! I hope the laughs didn't make you cough. Get better, girl!

Shelli - Nice to meet you! Yes, I wrote it. I couldn't believe it when I discovered that My Little Pony tushy sticking out of the vacuum like that, hours later. I kept swiping the sides of that attachment, but never thought to look INSIDE the hole! Stop by anytime. :)

Lila- Thanks, ladies! Coming from 2 people who crack me up this is high praise indeed!

Anonymous said...

So, today I found madarin oranges shoved in the tube of my brush attachement and thought of you...I don't quite have the gift of rhyme that you do though!