Monday, November 9, 2009

The War on Worms

There are worms in my kitchen! Tiny cream-colored worms. BSD said they are maggots. OMG, how did this happen??!?!

I hesitated to even post about this because...
  1.  It is, er, rather embarrassing, not to mention disgusting. 
  2. Many of my new shiny, cyber friends barely know me and this confession may wind up scaring them off. 
  3. Only just recently did LiLa blog about the lack of dignity on Facebook (who, by the way, just got their very first book deal, and are giving away a free Kindle in celebration). 
But, since this is not Facebook, and in the interest of saving you from the same ill fate, I decided it was OK to post about worms in my kitchen.

My first task was to figure out who to blame. I started with the dog.

"I think they're coming from Ruby's butt," I informed BSD. "You know how she scoots on her ass all the time. Yes, it's definitely Ruby's fault."

"They're not coming from Ruby's butt," said BSD protectively.

The next one to get thrown under the bus was the hermit crab we inherited from our babysitter who went off to college this fall.

"It must be Sammy then," I tried next. "You let him out of the cage yesterday for the first time since August, and he dropped the worms as he crawled around."

"Kim, he's a CRAB! Crabs don't have worms."

"No, but dogs do. See, they are from Ruby! I knew it!"

"They are not from Ruby. We already went through this," he said again, shaking his head at me. I'll never get rid of that bitch!

"Then, it's got to be the apples. I just bought a big tote of apples. The apples must have worms," I declared. "Oh no! I just bragged to Anne and Linda about the great deal I got on all these apples, and now they're going to go out and buy their own apples, and they'll wind up with worms in their kitchen too! They'll never forgive me!"

"That's it. The worms crawled out of the apples. That makes sense," BSD finally agreed, his precious pets off the hook.

"hmmm...let me check Google. I thought apple worms were green." I did a quick search and discovered they were not from the apples, and they were not maggots. Thank God!

No, they were moth worms that eat off grains and nuts.

NUTS?!? We just served peanuts on Saturday night for Poker Night. OMG! Our guests were munching on worms! But, the can was vacuum sealed with a tin pull top so that couldn't be. Where were they coming from?

I went into my pantry and pulled every last item out until I finally found my scapegoat...

Yep, an old expired box of Grape Nuts shoved way in the back of the cabinet. That gigundous picture of wheat must have had them pee'ing their pants in anticipation.

So, my friends, let this be a lesson to you all. Do NOT eat Grape Nuts. They will give you worms.

I spent the rest of my morning tossing any other box, jar or can of food that appeared suspect. When I was done, I had a splitting headache and this is all that survived the holocaust.

I'm still not sure what caused the headache. It was either the gallon of Clorox I inhaled or that gallon of Firefly that was full when I started. Either way, I'm up from my blackout nap now.

So...would anyone like to come over for dinner tonight? We're having chocolate covered Spam.

What? You don't like chocolate? You're in luck. We have vanilla too. See you at 10.


Lisa and Laura said...

Thanks for the shout out! And the worm thing is hilarious and also a little scary. Nothing creeps me out more than maggots. I live in fear of them showing up somewhere in my house. Oh gosh, now I'm scared to look in all the old cereal boxes in our pantry! God only knows what's living in there!

Erin said...

haha! you are hilarious! so glad that you got rid of your worms. yuck!

Corey Schwartz said...

Ha ha. You are getting funnier and funnier. Cant wait to read one of your manuscripts!

Anonymous said...

That's disgusting. Strangely, I'm now hungry for some Grape Nuts. More concerning, do you really eat dinner at 10?!

Kim said...

LiLa - Glad to do it. Your book is going to be a hit!

Erin - Thanks! It was not fun. I would have rather been spray painting something.

Corey - Thanks so much. I can't wait to HAVE a manuscript for you to read, and can't wait to get my hands on Three Ninja Pigs either.

Fawn - The trash man doesn't come until tomorrow. I can still retrieve the box for you if you like. ;) And, nope...dinner at 10pm only happens after war.

Nicole said...

You are so damn funny! I look forward to your blog and each time it brings me smiles and chuckles. By the way, I absolutely LOVE grape Nuts....and one of my worst fears are maggots (or anuthing that looks like them!)Keep them on your side of the street!!!
SPAM?! It has to be BSD, not you! HeHe

Kim said...

Nicole - You totally made my rainy day! Thank you! I can't promise I didn't send any of the buggers packing for wheatier pastures. If you've got Grape Nuts, I'd be worried. And, yes, that Spam is BSD's. It's leftover from one of the big camp outs.