What Am I Afraid Of?

What am I afraid of? If I could answer that question, I would probably be doing something with my life already. I am a dreamer, but I'm not a risk taker.

I have always thought of myself as practical. Thinking about it, that may be my code word for fear of failure. I will have an idea, but I won't follow through on it because I can come up with a million reasons why it's not going to work. I keep these ideas to myself. I then talk myself out of them. I don't share them with others. I'm afraid people will think my ideas are silly.

My husband, on the other hand, is my complete opposite. It's probably why I was attracted to him in the first place. That old saying, "Opposites attract" is definitely true. He will have an idea and just start moving forward with it. He'll tell anyone who will listen about his idea. It doesn't matter what they think. It truly amazes me. He wanted to build surfboards so he taught himself how, built himself a shop and now makes surfboards. Where does that fearlessness come from? Have I had it too easy? Is overcoming adversity the key to success?

If you don't know me, you may be thinking I'm a pathetic soul with no self esteem. Not so. I am strong and confident. I feel good about myself. I am happy. I just feel like I've lost a part of me over the years since I've had kids. It's not necessarily related to the lack of a real job either. There are many people who don't work that I admire and respect. Self worth is not wrapped up in how much money I make. I just want to be interesting again. I want to go to a party and feel like I have something to contribute to the conversation beyond how many times I drove carpool this week.  I want an identity beyond "Mom".